sebuah entry cinta yg didedahkan: buat hati yang terguris

Sitting here thinking,

Of the times you've love me..
Wondering why I still dont love you..

What do I say when it's all over
And sorry seems to be the hardest word

Saat ini...memang saya

1. menantikan sebuah hubungan yang pasti
2. mengimpikan seseorang yg mampu memberi sebuah impian yg realiti
3. mencari-cari seseorang yg memenuhi ciri-ciri
4. mengharap cinta yg suci

Dan setelah 10tahun saya mengenali dia...pada malam harijadi ke-22 (18/5/09) dia telah berkata sesuatu...:

"rai...i nak ckp ni..kalau lagi 2-3tahun, i dtg jmpe ur mom n pinang u...will u accept me?"
"hah?"
"i still suka u dari dulu (form1-2)"
"u kan ada tu...bla bla bla"
"mana ada....i takle lupakan u...i suka u and tak pernah sekalipun stop suka u dari dulu"
"ape u ckp ni..."
"rai, serius ni..i tanye,kalau nnti i lamar u, u terima ke tak?i tak pernah suka perempuan lain..sbb mmg i akan terbayang u..."

Ye...mmg saya mengaku dia lelaki paling setia dan saya percaya dlm ramai-ramai lelaki, dia mungkin lelaki yg paling menyayangi saya...tp...hati saya?kalau tak ikutkan hati,kalau hanya mengikut suka-suka hati je...mungkin saya paling lama bercouple..since 14tahun hingga kini dan terus ke rumahtangga..sape tahu..tp sbb ego, saya tak pernah nak menyayangi dia...

19th july 2004

"teacher, can i say something to her?"
"yes, sure"
"raihana, for all those days dat i said i had forgot u...i am no longer love u..i admire sumone else...n many more..emm actually i lied..because...emm actually i still love you...me tum se pyaar karti hoon...thats all teacher.TQ"
"good effort mohd. h_ _h _ _ "

Tapi apa yg saya bagi pd dia?

harapan? harapan tinggal harapan
janji? sory, saya tak berani nak menjanjikannya
cinta? as i said before...i sit n think...of the times he didnt stop loving me...but wonder y i stil cant love him...why and why and why?

And atlast..........

20th july 2009 2322
"hye rai...wtpe tu?am i disturbing u?"

"hmm nop"

"ok....hurmm...can we talk abt sumthing..."

"maybe yes...wut is it"

"ok, mcmni...did u know dat i still waiting for ur answer?"

"hmm n then?"

"ok, hmm skang ni ada seorang ni suka i..bukan cosmate but we met while doing one project
ni.n then adalah jmpe2 n call2 n u know..hmm"

"ok, just go on with dat girl.."

"but the problem is...i still waiting for ur answer and bila i dgn dia...i still can see you...not her"

"u pergilah dgn dia...dnt wait for me"

"u still dlm hati i ok...i cant take you out..pls say something..jgn wat i stil tertunggu-tunggu..atleast i nak tahu ape u rase kat i"

"hmm well ok, emm i tgk u treat me as frnd je kot..mane ada u buat i mcm cinta-cinta ke..to be honest...i'd tried to love u..but im sory, i think i cant...i'd tried but i cant.."

"yeke???knp selama ni senyap n tak terus terang..rai..knp xckp dari dulu"

"im sory....i think u should go with her..pls erase all the love thingy towards me..n we'l remain as goodfrnds...exclassmate...etc"

"the girl is my other problem...jgn ckp sory...rai tak slh"

"im sory again...did i hurt u?omm im sory"

"dah dah xpyhlah ckp sory...thnx sbb dah ckp ape rai rase"

"emm rai rasa bersalah"

"no..xla..rai xslh...perasaan ni yg salah"

"rai nak awk bahagia ngn perempuan tu ok"

"jgn sebut lg tg dia...thnx k"

"emmmm u deserved to sumone else...yg better than me..ape gunanya u suka2 i lg..i kat sini kwn n baik ngn semua lelaki even i stil mencari seseorang yg i boleh cinta...im sory again"

"xpelah rai...thnx k...

"...........................

####################

buat sekeping hati yang terguris...
buat sebuah harapan yg telah lebur...

Doaku agar kaukan selalu bahagia,
Agar kau temui insan tulus menyayangimu,
Lepaskanlah diriku kerna keredhaanmu,
Bukan kerna dendam jua bukan kerna kau terpaksa

pergilah dikau diiringi keikhlasanku....

p/s: sham..terimalah perempuan tu...lupakan rai...
but kita stil kwn cm biasa...biar rai jmpe cinta yg lain
mungkin jmpe mungkin tak...
tp sham kena mula hidup baru k...
lama-lama nnti semua will be fine...cool chill~

We have changed but we're still the same
After all that we've been through
I know we're cool...